Groundhog Day

This isn’t about the movie. And it’s neither romantic nor a comedy. If only.

Exactly one week after admitting to myself that I’m transgender, I worked up the courage to tell someone else. I came out to my wife on February 2, 2023. Yes, on Groundhog Day.

For all the joy in finally being my true self that day, it did not end well. Shortly after having that conversation, it was clear my wife wanted a divorce.

I hoped she would change her mind. But I suspect my betrayal—hiding who I really was for so, so many years—created too wide of a chasm for her to cross back over.

To be honest, I could understand her feelings. I wasn’t happy, but I could understand. So, I acquiesced to her wishes. And we began our separation that day.

While not simple or easy, untangling two lives after thirty-three years of marriage is at least possible. We committed to making our split amicable. We still talk and text. Whether we’re friends or not, we continue to be friendly with each other. That counts for something.

Our divorce was final on the first of this year, new beginnings on New Years Day it seems. And I feel so many different things about it. Failure, loneliness, anger, relief, joy and even wonder. At what comes next, mostly. My therapist tells me that’s both normal and healthy. I hope that’s true.

Anyway, I don’t think about Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell or Punxsutawney Phil today. I think about something else.


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Comments

52 responses to “Groundhog Day”

  1. Michael Gemar Avatar

    @lisa @the_etrain Hugs to you, Lisa. You’re very generous to share your story. It’s profoundly unfair that becoming your authentic self resulted in so much personal sacrifice, and it’s a vital reminder to cis folks how much our trans neighbours go through just to get to be outward who they are inward.

    (And amidst all this personal upheaval, you also managed to be the sunny Mistress of Mastodon, which is truly admirable.)

    1. Monty Hayter Avatar

      @michaelgemar @lisa @the_etrain I was going to say much the same things, so I'll just +1 on this.

      Hugs, and thanks for continuing to be “the sunny Mistress of Mastodon” (so well put!)

      :blobhearttranscat:

      1. Lisa Melton Avatar

        @montyhayter You are both so sweet! Thank you. 😊🥰💖

        @michaelgemar @lisa @the_etrain

  2. Daphne Avatar

    @lisa 🫂 May "what comes next" be full of joy.

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @brooke Thank you so much! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  3. Mark Levison Avatar

    @lisa hugs. Be well. You’re liked and appreciated here in the Fediverse

    1. Mark Levison Avatar

      @lisa …and I should add I appreciate your bravery in telling your story

      1. Lisa Melton Avatar

        @mlevison And thank you for reading! 💖

        @lisa

    2. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @mlevison Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

      1. Mark Levison Avatar

        @lisamelton @lisa as your token Canadian 🇨🇦🇨🇦friend I appreciate the massive supply of appreciation and emojis

        1. Lisa Melton Avatar

          @mlevison LOL! You are very welcome! Here, have a few more. 🤣😂🤣🎉🎊🥳😊🥰💖

          @lisa

  4. Karen Hill 😷 :stargate: Avatar

    @lisa Thank you for your courage in sharing your personal journey with us. Wishing you everything of the best as you move forward 🤗

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @hill0karen You are very welcome and thank you so much! Thank you so much! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  5. Larry Anderson Avatar

    @lisa Thank you for sharing with us. You’re not the first I’ve known who has had to walk a similar path, and I know it is never easy. I followed you before you began to live your truth, and there was a clear difference in your spirit afterward. Perhaps your story will be seen by someone who is currently afraid to be themselves, and they’ll find courage from your experience.

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @larand You are very welcome and thank you so much for noticing the change! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  6. RadishTM Avatar

    @lisa Thanks for sharing. I truly have no words for what you went through up to this point, only hugs to keep you stay positive and happy 🫂

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @RadishTM You are very welcome and thank you! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  7. Wren :bc: :trans_heart: Avatar

    @lisa
    Lisa, I am so sorry your marriage ended up that way. I know that must have been so difficult.

    My fondest affection and hugs to you my sister.

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @WrenArcher Oh sweetie, thank you so much! For the hugs and being my sister. 🫂💜😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  8. Lisa Melton Avatar

    @robertdalton Thank you so much! 😊🥰💖

    @lisa

  9. @pineywoozle Avatar

    @lisa Ah sweetie, all the hugs on this tough day. No matter how kindly you separate or how profoundly right it is to finally be your full self losing a relationship of that length is a tremendous blow.❤️

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @Pineywoozle Indeed and thank you for understanding! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  10. Matt Craig Avatar

    @lisa Lisa, you just keep getting better. Be yourself.

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @Mattcraig Awwww, thank you so much! That is very sweet. 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  11. happycoyote12 Avatar

    @lisa Sorry. Thanks for sharing your truth. Hang in there. It will improve

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @happycoyote12 Thank you so much! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  12. Potung Thul Avatar

    @lisa
    Lisa, you are the epitome of Mastodon, you know that? Boosting, sharing, maintaining good cheer. (How do you even do that? In your place, any time one of the thousand people said "Oh, and follow @lisa ," I would have said "Quit mentioning me so much!!! Can't you see I'm trying to follow a thousand feeds already, trying to see what to boost?")

    And here you are, being human, sharing your vulnerabilities and weaknesses… This is so Mastodon!
    ❤️

    ../2

    1. Potung Thul Avatar

      @lisa

      It makes me want to snuggle up to you.

      But that would be inappropriate. So I'll settle for snuggling up to a #LisaMelton plush doll.

      🙂

      We're here for you, too.

      1. Lisa Melton Avatar

        @potungthul LOL! Maybe I should start selling those. 🤣

        @lisa

    2. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @potungthul ZOMG, you are so sweet, thoughtful and understanding. Also funny! Thank you so much, sweetie. 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  13. Maddie Schipper Avatar

    @lisa thanks for sharing your journey. 🤗

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @maddie You are very welcome and thank you for reading! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  14. Tattie Avatar

    @lisa I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you and your wife. It’s truly tragic when we reveal our truest, most vulnerable self to our loved ones and they just… don’t want us. Not her fault, and not yours. I’m glad you’ve remained amicable. 🫂

    You’re a beautiful person and all the love you get here on Fedi is well warranted. Keep being you. ❤️

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @Tattie Indeed. Thank you so much for the understanding and the kindness, sister! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  15. Kee Hinckley Avatar

    @lisa @lisamelton 🤗🤗🤗 Even when your spouse has studied gender and queer theory at the PhD level it’s hard. Intellectually she knows what’s right. Emotionally she’s not prepared for how it changes how the world will perceive *her* in the relationship. We’ve both made compromises. And I’m fortunate that both of us are okay with that, because I know that’s not the case for everyone. It would probably be a lot harder for me if I were younger.

    Best wishes on your journey. Know that you’re an inspiration to everyone who hasn’t taken those big steps. And I’m certain there’s a wonderful future for you, because you’re an amazing woman.

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @nazgul Indeed, it is hard. Thank you for understanding! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @infodriveway Awwww, thank you, sweetie! 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  16. Kelida Avatar

    @lisa As someone who has been through divorce, I can say with assurance that it continues to get better. The negative feelings fade, and the freedom and possibility of a new life grow in their wake.

    You had the courage to reach for your most closely guarded dreams. I am confident you’ll find them worth it in the end. 💜

    1. Lisa Melton Avatar

      @kelidanovus Thank you so much for that assurance! Not only that it gets better but your confidence in me. That means a lot. 😊🥰💖

      @lisa

  17. mia duval 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 Avatar

    @lisa I did exactly the same thing: I came out to my wife exactly one week after cracking my egg. The outcome, as you know, was not too dissimilar. It was clear for me too, after 30 minutes, that our marriage was over. Unlike you, I didn't have any hope she would change her mind; I knew, in my deepest depth, that it was over. I knew, also, that regardless of what I was about to lose, this was something I couldn't stop. It was going to be devastating, but it was worth it. And it would allow my ex to eventually love someone the way she wants.

    After some periods of enormous tension, we also managed to stay friendly, but after some of the things she said to me in the aftermath of my coming out, we will never be friends. Although I understand that my coming out was a shock to her, nothing justifies the brutality of the attacks she unleashed on me; the accusations and threats she made in those following months were horrendous. In my moment of most dire need, where I most needed the person I loved to be empathetic and understanding, she dropped me like I was nothing.

    7 months later, and our separation is about to become real. I signed a lease for an apartment and I should move in at the end of March. As a good project manager that I am, I have plotted a timeline of what I am going to buy, from where and on what days, and then the days in which I will progressively take the stuff in. I am excited about this: I am going to live alone for the first time in my life, and I love the prospect. It saddens me that I will no longer share my kids' lives on a daily basis, but I so need to walk away from this limbo situation and the sharing of a home with someone who so thoroughly despised me when I needed her love the most. Of those feelings you mention, I only feel relief, joy and wonder. If anything, those months showed that I was doing the right thing and she was not the kind of person I want to be with. I am certain I will be better off.

  18. mia duval 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 Avatar

    @lisa Oh and on a non-me related note, I am really sorry you had to go through this. It shouldn’t be this hard to be ourselves and it breaks my heart every time I read stories like this. I am very happy though that you have made it, specially since you were such a big part of me finding my way. Thank you for preserving Lisa. ♥️

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